George Clooney



The American



I guess the first question to be asked is, ‘how did George Clooney get involved with a film as dreadful as “The American.”’  I’m sure there’s an answer somewhere, maybe something to do with blackmail, or a threat to his children (does he have children?  I don’t know) or something equally bad, or maybe that really wasn’t George Clooney up there on the screen after all; maybe it was some clone or other, someone who just happens to look like Clooney.  I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care.


We meet Clooney, variously known as Jack or Edward (I’m not kidding), who is apparently an American assassin.  He’s relaxing by a frozen lake with a woman who has been dressed by the same person who dressed women for the Bond films.  In other words, she’s wearing something totally inappropriate for winter in Sweden.  They go for a walk when, boom boom, shots ring out.  Clooney pulls his pistol out, shoots the two assassins, tells his lady to call the cops, and when she turns around he shoots her too.


Cut to Italy, where Clooney’s controller tells him to go to a small town in the Abruzzo – “and don’t make friends.”  Clooney goes to another town, visits the town whorehouse where he meets Clara, who works there, and slowly falls in love with her.  But wait.  At the same time he has an English client who wants Clooney to make her a very special kind of rifle, which evidently can only be made by hand.  Making and delivering the rifle seems to take up about a half-hour of the film’s running time, but at last it’s done.  Meanwhile Clooney and Clara decided to get away from it all, but then there’s that damn rifle again.  What will it be used for?  Rather than give it away, I will refer you to the ending of “Children of God,” which this is a direct steal from. 


As I say, how did George Clooney get roped into “The American.  It’s a mystery.